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Every parent dreams of the night their baby sleeps peacefully without needing constant help to fall back asleep. Infant self-soothing typically develops between 3-6 months, when babies gain the ability to calm themselves and drift off independently. Some babies naturally pick up these skills, while others need gentle encouragement to learn how to settle themselves. Teaching self-soothing can mean the difference between waking up multiple times each night and getting the rest your family desperately needs. The process takes patience, but the payoff is worth every effort.
What Exactly Are Self-Settling and Self-Soothing?
These two terms get thrown around a lot in baby sleep discussions, but many parents aren't quite sure what they actually mean. While they're closely related, self-settling and self-soothing refer to slightly different skills that work together to help your baby sleep better.
Self-Soothing Means Calming Down Independently
Self-soothing is your baby's ability to calm themselves when they are upset, overstimulated, or waking up. Think of it as their inner emotional stress management kit. It might be finger-sucking, rubbing their face on the mattress, or comforting grunts to themselves. Self-soothing babies won't cry out for help the moment they feel awkward - they'll try to employ their own methods first.
Self-Settling Is About Falling Asleep Alone
Self-settling, however, is actually the capacity of your baby to settle down to sleep without explicit help from you. This means that a child can switch from asleep to awake in the bassinet or crib without being rocked, fed, or held. A baby who can self-settle is able to whimper softly for a while, roll over slightly, and then sleep on their own. This is what enables babies to sleep through the night and nap for extended periods.
They Work Together for Better Sleep
The two abilities complement each other. When your baby wakes during the night (as all babies do), self-soothing keeps them silent instead of crying immediately. Self-settling then allows them to sleep through once more without your intervention. Babies who acquire both abilities experience more consistent sleep and disturb their parents less during the night.
It's Different from Never Needing Comfort
It is important to understand that self-soothing does not mean your baby will never need comfort from you. Babies still need a lot of cuddling, feeding, and attention throughout the day. Self-soothing only gives them added help in coping with minor discomforts and normal sleep transitions without always having to receive immediate parental rescue.
When Can Babies Actually Start Self-Soothing?
Most babies begin developing self-soothing abilities between 3-6 months old, though some may take until 6-9 months to master these skills. Before 3 months, babies simply don't have the brain development needed to calm themselves down, so they rely completely on parents for comfort. While every baby develops at their own pace, understanding these typical timelines helps you know when to start encouraging self-soothing and when to be patient with the process.
Newborns Can't Self-Soothe Yet
Babies under 3 months old simply don't have the neurological development needed for self-soothing. Their nervous systems are still immature, and they rely completely on caregivers for comfort and regulation. During this period, your baby needs you to help them calm down through feeding, holding, swaddling, or gentle motion. Don't worry about creating bad habits during these early months - you're actually helping your baby's brain develop the foundation for future self-soothing skills.
Most Babies Start Between 3-6 Months
The majority of babies begin showing signs of self-soothing somewhere between 3-6 months old. Around 3-4 months, your baby's brain starts developing the ability to link sleep cycles together, which is essential for longer stretches of sleep. By 4-6 months, many babies can begin learning to fall asleep independently and may start sleeping for longer periods without needing help from parents.
Some Babies Take Longer and That's Normal
Not every baby hits these milestones at the same time, and some perfectly healthy babies don't develop strong self-soothing skills until 6-9 months or even later. Premature babies, in particular, may need extra time since their development follows their adjusted age rather than their birth age. Babies with more sensitive temperaments or those who experienced early health challenges might also take longer to develop these skills.
Development Happens Gradually
Self-soothing isn't an all-or-nothing skill that appears overnight. Your baby might first learn to self-soothe during naps before mastering nighttime sleep, or they might be able to fall asleep independently but still need help when they wake up during the night. This gradual development is completely normal and shows your baby is making progress toward independent sleep.
Watch for Individual Readiness Signs
Rather than focusing solely on age, pay attention to your baby's individual development. Signs of readiness include being able to hold their head up well, showing more predictable sleep patterns, and beginning to sleep for longer stretches naturally. Some babies also start putting their hands to their mouth or making soft sounds when they're drowsy, which are early signs of self-soothing attempts.
What Are the Signs That Your Baby Is Learning to Self-Soothe?
Recognizing when your baby is developing self-soothing skills can be tricky, especially since these behaviors often start subtly. Babies don't announce when they're learning to calm themselves - instead, they show you through specific behaviors and changes in their sleep patterns. Knowing what to look for helps you understand your baby's progress and gives you confidence that the skills are developing naturally.
Your Baby Stays Calm When They Wake Up
One of the most noticeable signs of self-soothing is when your baby wakes up but doesn't immediately cry for help. They might instead just lie quietly in their crib, looking around and making soft sounds. You might catch them on the baby monitor just lying there quietly for a few minutes before either falling back to sleep or calling for you. This means they're figuring out how to assess their surroundings and try to calm down before seeking comfort.
They Use Their Hands and Fingers
Babies also typically discover their hands as great self-soothing tools. You might see your baby sucking their fingers, thumb, or even entire fist when they are in need of calming down. Some babies also rub their faces, ears, or hair with their hands. Such repetitive movements enable them to balance their emotions and give them the same level of comfort that they had while being in the womb.
They Make Rhythmic Movements
Other babies also create their own physical self-soothing behaviors that are based on a rhythmical motion. These can include rocking back and forth on hands and knees, rolling from side to side, or even bumping their head gently against the mattress in their crib. While these movements can look alarming, they are usually normal self-soothing behaviors that babies employ to settle their nervous systems.
They Fall Asleep After Brief Fussing
While babies are learning to self-soothe, they might cry or fuss for a little while before they drift off to sleep. The distinction is that the fussing is temporary and decreases in intensity over time, rather than escalating into crying. You might hear your infant whimpering or making soft complaining sounds for 5-15 minutes prior to falling asleep on their own.
Sleep Patterns Become More Predictable
As self-soothing skills develop, you'll likely notice your baby's sleep becomes more predictable. They might start taking longer naps, sleeping for longer periods at night, or following a more regular schedule. The reason is that they're now capable of connecting their sleep cycles without your help in moving from light to deep phases of sleep.
They Can Calm Down Between Sleep Cycles
All babies wake briefly between sleep cycles throughout the night, but babies with good self-soothing skills can return to sleep without fully waking. You might notice that your baby now sleeps for longer stretches without calling you in, even though she still experiences normal sleep cycle transitions. It's a big accomplishment that leads to better sleep for the whole family.
How to Teach Your Baby to Self-Soothe
It does not happen overnight to get your baby to self-soothe, but with consistent and patient efforts, most babies can learn these helpful skills. The key is to give your baby time to practice relaxing and staying calm but continue to provide them with the comfort and reassurance they need.
1. Do the Same Things Every Night: Select 3-4 simple things to do at night and do them every night in the same order. Take a brief warm bath, put on pajamas, feed your baby (but don't let them fall asleep doing it), read a book or sing songs, then put them in their crib. Make it all quiet and peaceful - switch off the lights and speak softly. The whole ritual is supposed to take 20-30 minutes and start at the same time each day when your baby begins to appear sleepy.
2. Swaddle Your Baby into Bed When They're Awake: After you have followed the evening routine, place your baby in their crib while they are drowsy but their eyes are still open. Watch for drowsy signals like slower movements, heavy eyelids, or decreased sucking activity. When they do sleep while being fed, wake them up gently by removing their diaper or wiping them with a cold cloth before placing them down. Place them on their back, give them a quick but gentle pat, and then leave the room.
3. Wait a Few Minutes Before Going Back In: When your baby cries after putting them down, wait 3-5 minutes to check on them. Set the timer so you'll know exactly how long you've waited. Listen to determine if they're actually crying or merely making soft fussing noises. Quiet grumbling or whimpering typically indicates they're settling down independently. If after 5 minutes the crying gets more distressed and louder, go in and check on them. Wait a few minutes more each time you wait every few nights.
4. Keep Check-Ins Brief and Boring: If you have to go in, keep the room dim and stay calm. Place your hand on their chest or provide gentle pats for roughly a minute and softly repeat "shh" or "It's okay." Do not pick them up unless there appears to be something seriously wrong. Keep your visit short of 2 minutes, then depart again. If you must return, wait 5-10 minutes and only make 2-3 visits a night.
5. Take Care of the Primitive Needs First: Make sure that your baby has eaten in the last 2-3 hours, is in a clean diaper, and is neither hot nor cold. Burp them thoroughly after feeding and make sure their clothes are not twisted or tight. Also, make sure that they have not been awake for too long - newborns get tired in 45-90 minutes, but older babies can sustain 1.5-3 hours.
6. Set Up the Room Right: Keep your baby's room between 68-70°F and make it as dark as possible with blackout curtains. If you use white noise, make it about as loud as quiet talking and keep the machine at least 3 feet away from the crib. Take out all toys, blankets, and pillows - just use a fitted sheet on the mattress. Dress your baby in a sleep sack or light pajamas, adding or removing clothes based on how warm the room feels.
7. Stick With Whatever You Choose: Pick one approach and do it the same way every night for at least a week before deciding if it's working. Write down what you're doing so anyone else who helps with bedtime can follow the same steps. If you have a rough night, don't change everything the next day - give your method time to work. Keep track of how long it takes your baby to fall asleep and how often they wake up so you can see if things are getting better.
What Should You Avoid When Teaching Self-Soothing?
While helping your baby learn to self-soothe, it's easy to make mistakes that can set back their progress or create new sleep problems. Some common missteps can actually make self-soothing harder for your baby to learn, while others might be unsafe or inappropriate for their age. Knowing what to avoid helps you stay on track and gives your baby the best chance to develop these important skills successfully.
Don't Start Too Early
Avoid trying to teach self-soothing before your baby is at least 3-4 months old. Newborns and very young babies don't have the brain development needed to calm themselves down, and expecting them to self-soothe can lead to frustration for everyone. During the first few months, focus on helping your baby feel secure and meeting their needs promptly. Starting self-soothing techniques too early won't speed up the process and may actually increase crying and stress.
Don't Keep Changing Your Approach
Resist the urge to switch methods every few days when you don't see immediate results. Changing from one technique to another confuses your baby and prevents them from learning any single approach well. Stick with your chosen method for at least a full week, even if some nights are difficult. If you must make changes, adjust only small details rather than completely switching to a different technique.
Don't Rush In Too Quickly
Avoid going to your baby the moment they make any sound. Many parents pick up their baby or start comforting them as soon as they hear fussing, but this prevents the baby from having a chance to try self-soothing first. Wait at least 3-5 minutes to see if your baby can settle on their own. Going in too quickly teaches your baby that they don't need to try calming themselves because help will come immediately.
Don't Use Feeding as the Only Comfort Method
Stop automatically offering the breast or bottle every time your baby cries, especially if they've recently eaten. Using feeding as the primary soothing method can create a dependency where your baby only knows how to fall asleep while eating. This makes it much harder for them to learn other ways to calm down. Make sure at least 2-3 hours have passed since the last full feeding before offering food again.
Don't Start During Stressful Times
Avoid beginning self-soothing training during major life changes like moving, starting daycare, traveling, or when your baby is sick. Also don't start right after vaccinations or during growth spurts when your baby may need extra comfort and more frequent feeding. Wait for a calm period when your family routine is stable and your baby is healthy and well-rested.
Don't Ignore Signs of Real Distress
Never let your baby cry intensely for long periods without checking on them. Learn the difference between fussing (soft complaining sounds that come and go) and genuine distress crying (loud, continuous, escalating cries). If your baby sounds panicked, has been crying hard for more than 10-15 minutes, or the crying is getting worse instead of better, go to them immediately. Trust your instincts about when your baby truly needs help.
Don't Make the Sleep Environment Too Stimulating
Avoid having bright lights, exciting toys, or stimulating activities near bedtime. Don't put toys, mobiles, or anything interesting in the crib that might distract your baby from sleeping. Keep nighttime interactions boring and brief - no playing, talking, or engaging activities when your baby wakes up during the night. Save fun interactions for daytime hours.
Don't Expect Perfect Results Right Away
Avoid setting unrealistic expectations about how quickly your baby will learn to self-soothe. Don't expect your baby to sleep through the night immediately or never need comfort from you again. Self-soothing is a skill that develops gradually, and most babies still have some difficult nights even after they've learned the basics. Be patient and remember that progress isn't always linear - some nights will be better than others.
What Other Ways Can You Settle and Calm Your Baby?
While learning to self-soothe is important, there are many times when your baby needs direct comfort from you. Sometimes babies are too young for self-soothing, going through difficult periods, or simply need extra reassurance. Having a variety of calming techniques in your toolkit helps you respond to your baby's needs and provides comfort when self-soothing isn't working or isn't appropriate.
Swaddle Your Baby Snugly
Wrap your baby firmly in a blanket with their arms at their sides, leaving room for their hips to move freely. Make sure the swaddle is tight around the chest but loose around the hips and legs. Swaddling works best for babies under 3-4 months old, before they start rolling over. Stop swaddling once your baby shows signs of trying to roll or can break free from the wrap. Use lightweight, breathable fabrics to avoid overheating. Look for swaddle blankets made from bamboo-cotton blends - options like Momcozy Swaddle Blankets are noticeably softer and more breathable than standard cotton, giving your baby the snug comfort they need.
Try Different Sounds
Play white noise, nature sounds, or soft music to help calm your baby. White noise should be about as loud as a running shower and placed at least 3 feet from your baby. You can also try making "shh" sounds close to your baby's ear, humming, or singing softly. Some babies respond well to household sounds like the vacuum cleaner or hair dryer. A smart sound machine like Momcozy Smart Baby Sound Machine with multiple high-quality sound options can be particularly helpful, offering everything from gentle lullabies to nature sounds that you can control remotely without disturbing your baby. Experiment with different sounds to see what your baby prefers.
Use Gentle Movement
Rock your baby in your arms, a rocking chair, or a baby swing set to a slow, gentle speed. Try walking around while holding your baby, bouncing lightly on an exercise ball, or swaying side to side. Some babies calm down during car rides or stroller walks. Keep movements slow and rhythmic rather than fast or jerky. Always make sure your baby's head and neck are properly supported during any movement.
Offer a Pacifier
Give your baby a pacifier if they seem to want to suck but aren't hungry. Wait until breastfeeding is well-established (usually around 3-4 weeks) before introducing a pacifier. Choose a pacifier that's appropriate for your baby's age and replace it if it becomes damaged. Don't force the pacifier if your baby spits it out - some babies simply don't like them.
Try Skin-to-Skin Contact
Put your baby on your unclothed chest with only a diaper on it, then cover both of you with a blanket. This is performed for mothers and fathers and can be comforting for colicky babies. Keep the room warm and have plenty of breathing room for your baby. Skin-to-skin contact helps regulate your baby's body temperature, heart rate, and stress levels.
Change Your Baby's Position
If your baby is fussy while lying down, try holding him or her upright against your chest or shoulder. Some babies prefer being held facing out so they can see what is happening around them. Try the "colic hold" too - hold your baby face-down along your forearm with his or her head near your elbow. Keep your baby's head and neck supported at all times, regardless of the position.
Check the Environment
Move to a quieter, darker room if your baby seems overstimulated. Some babies get fussy when they're too hot or too cold, so adjust their clothing or the room temperature. Try going outside for fresh air or moving to a different room. Sometimes a simple change of scenery can help reset a fussy baby's mood. A smart baby monitor with motion detection and crying alerts can help you track your baby’s comfort level and detect early signs of fussiness before they escalate, allowing you to respond promptly when adjustments are needed.
Use Gentle Touch
Gently massage your baby on the back, arms, or legs with gentle slow strokes. Try rubbing their back in circles or patting very softly and in time. A few babies like to have their hands or feet rubbed. Light touch and watch for your baby's reaction - slow down or stop if they become more agitated.
Teaching Your Baby to Self-Soothe Is Worth the Effort
Getting your baby to self-soothe is a sanity-saver for sleep and parents. It usually happens between 3-6 months, and if your baby takes a bit longer to get it, don't worry. The key is sticking with your technique. And providing plenty of opportunities for the little one to practice. If you're confused or upset about your baby's growth, consult your pediatrician for advice that suits your specific situation best.
